tears then…tears now

I cried this morning.

Tears of gratitude and tears of joy and tears of relief. Full tears. The more I reminisced on the days I sat in this apartment wondering how I was going to get through my pregnancy, the more the tears fell. They dropped down my face while memories of the days I struggled and wished it would all go away ran through my mind.

Here. Now. I would do it all over again. Right this second. Back then…when I was in it, I just didn’t understand. 

Pregnancy was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Postpartum is by far the most magical thing I’ve ever experienced. And I know fully well that these two realities are not the experience of every mom.

When I think back to the days I was nauseous and sad and overwhelmed and uncomfortable 20 hours of 24, I find myself in a space of judgement towards the thoughts I had. I remember specifically telling Riley that I would never do it again…that we would only have one baby and that I would never want to go through it a second time. 

Here. Now. I would do it all over again right this second.

Back then…I just didn’t understand.

I know now that the gift on the other side…the gift of a child born, of you, Storm, is worth every second of every day of all of the things I thought I would never do again. I look at you in the morning and I can’t believe this is my life. That you are my daughter. I feel more joy now than I could have ever imagined feeling. All of those days of fear and sadness and worry…they’ve dissipated. I know that not every mom has this experience postpartum. That for some moms these days are much harder than the days of pregnancy. But for me - the ease has been within these days.

This feeling of unconditional love is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The closest thing may be the love I feel for your dad…but honestly it still just doesn’t compare. Because you are him…and you’re me…and you are you. This love is different.

As I cried this morning looking at you I remembered the times I would curl up in bed and search “how to deal with pregnancy nausea” on the internet. I would spend hours watching videos and reading articles and trying all kinds of remedies with little to no relief. I felt worthless and lazy and ugly. I felt guilt and shame and sadness over not thinking I was ready to be your mom. I remember worrying and stressing and pushing the limits with myself emotionally day after day. 

And now I sit here and I look at you and it all makes sense. I didn’t know then. I didn’t know what was coming or how it would be or who I’d become. Yet here we are and I feel more ME than I ever did before. You show me every day what the meaning of BEING truly is. You show me presence and patience and life. I cry tears because I feel these things deeper than before. Life is so much more beautiful. I may not have felt like I was ready for you…but you, my dear, have shown me that I am. 

I know now deep in my bones that this gift of conceiving a child is the greatest gift of living. For me. I feel gratitude every day. For me - motherhood is the coolest, most eye-opening, jaw-dropping, body-chilling, most surreal experience here. As a woman, a human being, a living breathing person here on Earth - I know nothing greater than being your Mom.

If I could have dropped my past self some nuggets from this me, here now - I would have told her with complete certainty that every single moment of that crazy, emotional and physical roller coaster I was in, would pay off in the most magical way imaginable. I would have told her to focus on the good as much as possible and survive the bad because all it is is temporary. 

Every time you cry…every time you coo…every time you smile…every time you do something new…every time I pick you up…every time you hold my finger…every time... Over and over and over again. It’s love.

Every time you look at me it feels like you’re looking through me, right into my soul. You have this special way of making me feel completely whole. 

I don’t think I will ever forget those hard days…just so that I can remind myself over and over again how precious you are. You make my already beautiful life so much brighter. Nothing compares to this. To you. 

When I cried this morning I felt very much alive. An overwhelming amount of joy and gratitude. That you are here. I see now…I feel the relief…I see what I went through and I know it was all OK to go through it exactly the way I did.

I cried this morning.

Tears dropped as I reminisced on the days I wanted the perfect story. The perfect pregnancy.

Everything I believed at the time wasn’t worth it…every bad thing…every tough moment - I felt them wholly then so that here now I can experience the other end of the spectrum. I see it now.

I cried sad tears then, worried tears, broken tears then so I can cry happy tears, knowing tears, full tears now.