- final stretch -
It’s Monday the 26th of April…my due date is Saturday the 1st of May. 5 days away from the day this little being should likely enter the world Earthside. It’s a really weird feeling to wake up each morning with the thought will today be the day? and truly have no idea if it will be or not. It’s other-worldly to be in a very complex experience so far out of your control but it all happening so very near and dear and inside your actual physical body.
We’re in the final stretch and somehow I feel more at ease now than I have felt all of the last 8 1/2 months combined it seems. All of these months have prepared me for being here now, so here I am. It still feels good to move my body in the gym and fatigue my muscles in a fashion they’re used to. It still feels good to go on walks and break a light sweat. It still feels good to know this baby is safely inside of me wherever I go.
Lots of people have been asking me lately if I’m just ready to not be pregnant anymore. It seems that by this stage of it a lot of women feel really uncomfortable and a lot of pain in hips and backs and ribs and more. I’m thankful that I can say I’m not that uncomfortable…I hesitate to say “yet” because my true hope is that I don’t get to that stage of pregnancy. I’m pretty comfortable here in my place of slight discomfort in my upper abdomen and sightly more difficult to sleep at night or sit for long periods of time. I can continue to handle this…as long as the baby is healthy and comfortable in there.
This may be the last blog I write in this phase of my journey. That’s exciting, while very strange to think about. A phase of life as a woman and a daughter but not yet a mother. The next time I sit to write I can imagine it looking a whole lot different. Maybe I will feel I cannot do it…or maybe the baby’s schedule will make it too difficult or maybe something else will come up. Who knows. If I’ve learned one thing throughout this pregnancy ride it’s that life is what it is and it’s a lot less stressful to surrender to what’s happening than it is to fight something that has already happened. Like when we leave for work and there’s unexpected traffic. Or we go to the grocery store and we pick the slowest line. Or when we planned this exciting day expecting the sun to be out and we wake up to a cold, overcast day of gloom. When we see those things for what they are and we don’t attach ourselves to what we had wanted them to be, then we can find calm and ease a whole lot easier.
There’s something that’s shifted in me the past couple of days - its a sort of presence shift that feels right on time somehow. It wasn’t a conscious choice to do this - it just is this way. I think it’s because I know we’re in the final stretch and that means things are going to change drastically soon. I find myself hugging Riley a little longer and really trying to be fully present throughout our conversations. We both know when this baby comes things will change…in a good way of course…but it makes me want to soak up what we’ve had until now. A relationship and a dynamic that I’ve truly loved.
So back to this ease I feel. An ease I think I longed for every day over the last 8 1/2 months - a feeling I thought would come totally naturally for me and my pregnancy journey. It’s nice to feel this…it makes me wish I could bottle it up and pass it on to any first-time mom out there that may be feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable or scared or alone. I wish I had all of the best answers for women to take and with a snap of their fingers turn a troubled moment into one that feels good and safe and comfortable. I don’t have that power, unfortunately…but what I do have is this experience and I am telling you things will get better. Although the closer we get to the big day of something makes it all that more real and possibly scary…the truth is that our preparation and mindset matters to the point that it can totally alter the feelings of uncertainty. I think I’ve prepared the best I can for this day…I think I have the right mindset around what’s coming and the months leading up to today are what helped me settle here, in this moment.
When you really sit and you center yourself and you take a look at what living is…you see that it’s an opportunity. Not everyone has the same length of opportunity or circumstance of opportunity to be alive. Each and every life is different and unique and it’s own individual creation. What we do with our opportunity has to do in large part with the choices we make in each passing moment. The choices we make matter and our actions in response to what life presents us matter too. How we show up in the world each day - it does matter. You matter. Everyone and everything matters. We are all connected - whether we see it or we don’t - we are. We are all one and the same and at the same time completely different. It’s bizarre to think that this human being inside of me is a part of me now but will soon be separate and their own completeness. Just as I was once a part of my mom and you a part of your carrier and on and on.
It’s life. It’s what we call life. This very fragile, very delicate, very beautiful thing.
I wish a good life, a good opportunity, good choices and a good circumstance for all of you. Today and every day and always.